April 2010
5 posts
How to make Hayjax laugh →
I’m currently working on a project that involves some research on “how-to” ebooks, and the titles currently on offer at Lulu, a self-publishing site, are giving me giggle-fits. A sampling:
How…
Easter in Nottingham →
This country does not mess around when it comes to Easter. I have never seen such wanton egg-buying in my life. I guess you mix English people’s two favourite things together—Christianity and milk…
Dame Hayjax →
I bought something online from Marks and Spencer, and I hated myself for not having the cojones to select “Dame” or “Lady” from the drop-down menu. And I guess using the word “cojones” pretty much…
March 2010
1 post
Hayjax went to Italy →
I went to Italy and permanently skewed my blood sugar by eating two plates of pasta every day. The white kind, because Italian people don’t believe in the mealy brown fibre-rich stuff we…
February 2010
4 posts
Marmite cheese is wrong →
Ew.
Hayjax went to France →
I’m back from France and my pants are tight. The wine, the cheese, the pastry! Everything in France tastes like it’s been basted in concentrated Essence of Fabulous and then smothered to death with…
I'm baaaaack.
What does it say about me that more people started following my Tumblr account when I WASN’T posting than ever did when I WAS?
Don’t answer that.
December 2009
10 posts
Merry Cashmas! →
Did you know the English have found a way to monetize snow? Not the civilized way, by allowing people to ski on it, but by allowing them to bet on it.
Every year, thousands of British residents…
Virtual Marmite →
Dear English people with iPhones,
Just wanted to let you know that if you’re looking for a virtual iPhone toast-making app that comes pre-loaded with a Marmite option, More Toast has you…
Homicidal Nottingham squirrels →
Growing up in Vancouver, I got used to squirrels being the outdoor version of a family pet. Fluffy and bright-eyed, their livelihood pretty much consists of hanging around looking cute…
PowerPoint Karaoke →
Is this one of those situations where I let slip how humiliatingly out of touch I am by trying to introduce you to something that has already emerged, crested, appeared on Oprah and…
Where the stores have no name →
Can you imagine people in Vancouver shopping almost daily at a chain store and not knowing how to pronounce the name of it? This is the situation with U.K. (by way of Germany) grocery…
Nigel Havers and I are having a thing →
Nigel Havers and I first became seriously involved when I watched a BBC series called “Manchild,” which followed the immature antics of four rudderless, outrageously wealthy…
Good writers, bad sex →
The Literary Review Bad Sex in Fiction Award, bestowed annually on the author who writes the squeam-inducingest literary description of sex, has been won this year by Jonathan Littell….
iPhone grief counsellor →
Yesterday, between 10:14 and 11 a.m., my iPhone lost consciousness.
At first, I reacted with weak denial. “Maybe I forgot to recharge it,” I said to myself. “Maybe it’s the cold…
This pen for hire →
I’m on several email lists for freelance writing opportunities, and one of them delivers job postings so bizarre and random, they’ve become my daily treat. Here’s today’s offering:
“I need a…
November 2009
19 posts
They bring me books and booze →
In England, when my front doorbell buzzes, making a sound like Funny-bone Frank when you unsuccessfully perform an operation on him (English electricians are jokers and charlatans), I do not hide…
Merry Christmoustache
I don’t understand any three consecutive words on this Nottingham music poster tacked up in the window of a chip shop near my house, but in honour of teekayvee, it shall be tumbld.
Great roast ox flavour with no messy fire pit to... →
Sure, roast ox is tasty, but it’s such a bother to prepare, what with dragging the clubbed carcass all the way to the cave, building a vast pit of open flame to roast it on, hoisting it onto the…
Beware the Jedward →
Do you know what a Jedward is? It is a terrifying U.K. land-monster with eight arms and legs, two heads, hundreds of skinny ties, and it leaves a slimy trail of hair gel wherever it goes.
It…
Food fight →
Are Time Out London and UKTV’s Good Food Channel having a fight?
Because first I see Time Out London’s “Cheap Eats” magazine cover, and they’ve done this very clever thing where they recreate…
Geoffrey Chaucer Hath a Blog →
Chaucer, about to press the “Publish to Blog” button.
What does it look like when Kanye West texts in Middle English? Thanks to the kaleidoscopic randomity of the interwebs, this…
Wizard Smokes a Muggle →
Big news in the U.K.: Daniel Radcliffe may possibly have been seen in the vicinity of Puff the Magic Dragon at a recent party. Here’s the front cover of the Daily Mirror:
And here’s my…
If you love me, you will buy me Mr. Squiggles →
Ok, everybody just stop what you’re doing and panic. The hottest U.K. toy for Christmas 2009 has been announced and I smell apocalypse. Remember how many people were crushed to death in the…
I’d rather see one than be one. →
The Red Cow, Nottingham
I saw this tiny cuckoo clock of a pub on a bike ride to Beeston, and it tickled me just right. I wonder if there are drinkers on the second floor resting…
Where footie meets faith →
This sign, posted on the door of a church near our house, is obviously what a very literal-minded marketer did with focus-group feedback showing that people find football more exciting than…
The first two minute silence in London as reported... →
“The first stroke of eleven produced a magical effect. The tram cars glided into stillness, motors ceased to cough and fume, and stopped dead, and the mighty-limbed dray horses hunched back upon…
Mr. Brain’s Freedom Balls →
Remember when “French” was a bad word and America renamed French fries “freedom fries?” I would like to suggest that the English do a similar rebrand of that redoubtable and popular…
Social studies by Google →
Want to know the ethnographic questions that haunt the inquisitive minds of the Googlesphere?
Here are the queries that swirl around those perplexing Canadians:
And here are the…
These people know how to burn stuff. →
Wow. Just… Wow.
Coming from Vancouver, where you pretty much need a municipal permit to make toast, I couldn’t believe last night’s Guy Fawkes bonfire. It was total, delicious,…
No more mickey in a paper sack for ME →
Okay, although Nottingham is a hotbed of nudism and Gaia-worship, it is possible to meet normal people. Yesterday, I tamed the Ted Kaczynski hair and practiced saying, “Hello, how do you do” in…
A cheese called Yarg →
Yarg, a cheese that is apparently less silly than Muenster
The only thing funnier than a cheese called Yarg is the look on the cheese vendor’s face when I asked whether they…
This would be easier if I were a goddess or a nude... →
Moving to a new country and working from home can be an isolating combination. Suddenly, the world shrinks to you and your laptop and your ten fingers going typity-typity-type day in and day...
Crime-fighting fog →
Tesco security warning
I’m totally with the stick-guy on this one. Whaa? Fog-generating machines? What kind of mad-scientist, steampunk approach to property crime is this? …
"Whilst." It looks stupid. It is stupid.
This has become my pet language peeve over here. Why do the English love this word so much? It’s fruity. Unless your name is Lord Fopsalot or you’re wearing an Elizabethan ruff, I strongly recommend just saying “while.” While is a fine, straight-shooting, no-nonsense word. It gets the job done. It’s got a modern snap to it. It doesn’t winch itself into a stiff consonant cluster and then...
October 2009
38 posts
Cadbury Nibbles campaign: Ew.
It’s not just me, is it. You can’t anthropomorphize a bunny this much without it going really bad…
This gives me shivers. It’s like they screwed Billie Holiday’s tragic eyes into an inflatable rabbit sex doll. It’s Jessica Rabbit’s doomed, naive, underage sister. My imaginary back-story for her is that she’s a cosmetic tester bunny who slept with the cage-cleaner to...
English jumble sales--oh, the humanity
In England, yard sales are called “jumble sales,” and I hope this picture illustrates why. It’s pandemonium of an apocalyptic magnitude, only in this end-of-days scenario, the bad guys have bypassed the “thermonuclear” setting on their WMDs and depressed the “sensible but ugly woolen things” button. Ka-blam! Baggy cardigans everywhere.
Sneiton waits for Guffman
Sneinton street gets dancing
I love this local story!
A performance company is helping local residents of Sneiton, Nottingham, to put on a street-show in which they do interpretive dances of scenes from their daily lives. For example, one dance expresses, “happiness with a newly remodeled bathroom.” Corky St. Clair, take a bow.
Bad toilets
Wilkinson (“Wilko” to the cognoscenti) is the Walmart of England and I hate myself for shopping there but they beat me into submission with the bargain bat. So cheap! All the signs are in neon yellow and the prices have exclamation marks and you walk in with no intention of buying a Saharan Spice Market exotic plug-in room deodorizer but it’s 97P! Get two! And bouncy wire egg cups! ...
The beer for men who can’t keep their hands to...
I saw this can on my stroll around the ‘hood today. This is a bad name for a beer. So are Lurch and Retch, in case they’re thinking of expanding the range.
The five phases of a ladybug infestation
In Phase 1, you notice little bumpy clusters hugging the corners of the window-panes. Then you notice the bumpy clusters are alive. They are wee bundles of ladybugs, all piled on top of one another like tiny Ikea ballrooms of bugness. They are sleepy and stumbly and they burrow into the pile with all the sweet charm of tiny sleepy things. They are round little bumbling Swiss-dotted sweeties. ...
Stabbytown
Here’s the front of our local newsboard:
And here’s the back:
So basically, people have just been going at one another with shivs all week. It’s a step in the right direction; this place used to be lovingly nicknamed “Shottingham.” Now we can ratchet it down to Cuttingham. That’s cause for civic pride.
Sainsbury's is pulling my leg.
Actual Sainsbury-delivered butternut squash. Condom packet provided for scale.
I already gave this a tweet but I’m having trouble letting it go; plus, it’s got a seasonal angle going for it, gourds being a focus of attention in this most fally and thanksgival of months.
This is what happens when you order squash over the Internet (or “t’internet,” as they call it here). Online ordering of...
English chickens have a better lifestyle than I...
From a package of Sainsbury’s “Woodland Eggs”:
“These free range eggs come from hens with access to established woodland or where trees have been planted to enrich the range and provide natural cover. This encourages them to range more and live fuller, more active lives exploring and foraging beneath the trees.”
I’ve got nothing against chickens, but are we running an executive adventure camp...
Nottingham bus riders are ghetto
“Quit the Spit!” bus ad
Nottingham actually has a full-on campaign encouraging people not to spit on their bus drivers. With a catchy tagline and everything. And a rap video featuring the Civic-minded Citizen Dancers. Can this really be such a big problem? I thought people only spat at one another in bad miniseries about the Mafia or the French Revolution.
Seasick Steve
I saw his album in the window of a music shop today and the old timey moniker combined with the wizened, craggy face on the album cover made me think it might be one of those documentary projects where they sit a fogey down and let him ramble on about the old days on the high seas when the earth was flat and fire-breathing sea serpents patrolled the horizon.
Even odder. Seasick Steve is an...